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The Therapy Rap

Intro at Just For Laughs (7/97):
"Playing a therapist on television does not qualify you to practice therapy. Well, in California, it does. But in reality, to practice therapy, you have to have training, you have to have a degree, you have to have clients, you have to have a song... Actually, I have a song, but I couldn't possibly perform it for you here now..."

Intro at American Comedy Awards (2/7/99):
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome David Hyde Pierce. "Thank you. Good evening, welcome to the 13th Annual American Comedy Awards. I have bad news; I'm going to sing. Most of you know our producer, George Schlatter and you know that when it comes to putting this show together, for George, money is literally no object. So I'm the opening production number. I'm going to sing a song about therapy... because I figure, know your audience. It's called "The Therapy Rap." (gesturing to the string quartet) Oh, my posse. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four!" To view a multimedia of DHP's rap, click here.

Here I am rappin' with my hip new friends...
David performs at the 13th Annual American Comedy Awards

"The Therapy Rap"

Written by David Hyde Pierce

So you walk into my office and you're feeling kind of low
You're depressed, confused, and anxious, you've got no place to go
Well, I'm the one to talk to,I'm the man who understands
You just take a hundred fifty bucks and pop it in my hands
And hit the couch, hit the couch

So you say you hate your mommy and your dad was gone a lot
You had intimate relations with your pet dog Spot
Now you need some words of wisdom, need some help to find your way
Just relax upon my sofa, I know just the thing to say
I say, uh-huh... uh-huh... uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Say how's that make you feel

Second verse:
There's a lady on my ledge and she's looking mighty fine
But that chicken suit she's wearing says she's out of her mind
Lady, step in through my window, watch your head, you'll want to crouch
Lay your eggs upon my desk and park your beak upon my couch
Hit the couch, hit the couch

Now this Chicken Lady's crazy, there's no doubt, I needn't ask it
She's a few eggs short of an Easter basket
So what's a man to say to a lady who's a bird
I can solve all of her problems with just one little word
I say, uh-huh, say it with me now
I say, uh-huh, say it a little louder
Now uh-huh, once again uh-huh, once again uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Say how's that make you feel

Here I am rappin' with my hip new friends
They'll get pilot deals at Fox, I will never work again

Here's a man I've been his shrink for seventeen years
We've shared a lot of laughter, we've shared a lot of tears
But now he says he's healthy,says his therapy is through
Says he's moving on, well I've got a word for you
I say HEY! That's my word for him
I say HEY! Listen to me Jim.

I have got a mortgage, leased a BMW
I've got a wife who's like a refugee from "Taming Of The Shrew"
So you may say you're healthy, no if's or and's or but's
But if you think you're getting out of here, well buddy, you're nuts!
Hit the couch
Hit the couch
Hit the couch
Hit the... I'm sorry, our time is up

Hit the street!

(Those lines that are not in italics were inserted when David performed this song at the 13th Annual American Comedy Awards in 1999).

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Posted 8/3/99