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Montreal Comedy Festival

Saturday, July 24, 1999


"Pantalones de Vaca"

Written by David Hyde Pierce

David is in a black sports jacket, a black shirt buttoned up to the collar, and black pants is center stage.

DHP: I'm back! Beinvenue Festival Just for Reare. Welcome to the festival for Just for Butts. You're very sweet. I always have a lot of fun here. Tonight is an exception. No, I'm here for a very serious reason. One of the most important things that happened in the entertainment business last was the explosion of Latin dance and music, an explosion brought on by Ricky Martin's amazing performance at the Grammys last year. And as the world embraced the sexy Latin dancing and the hot Latin music, the question inevitably arose, "Who's going to explain it to the Canadians?" Now, I know many of you are confused and frightened by the overt passion and sensuality of salsa... of course, I'm speaking mainly here to the Anglos... you French people just talk amongst yourselves. But it's nothing to be afraid of. I am here to help you find your inner Chilean. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to my little friends.

The music to Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" starts. The back drop lifts to reveal several dancers and the checkered setting of Ricky Martin's music video. Four scantily clad women come on stage as David begins into the song...


My friends it's not so tricky
To do the Latin dance
You want to move like Ricky
Just get some leather pants

At this stage, the four women stand around David and rip his clothes off of him to reveal the same attire that Ricky Martin wore during his performance at the 1999 Grammys i.e. a gray long sleeved shirt and leather pants.


Leather pants got no ventilation
Put them on they start to itch
You feel the condensation
Pretty soon you start to twitch

And if the pants you're wearing
Are a size or two too small
You'll feel constriction caused by the friction
But you're going to have a ball
When the pants begin to crawl

And the pants that go upside inside out
The pantalones de vaca
You will twist and shout
As they shake and bake your Moraca

Push and pull them down
You're doing the dance that's the greatest
You will twist around and your hips are dislocated
And your hips are dislocated
Or your but is exfoliated

Cancel all of your appointments
For now you live to dance
You'll want to get some ointments
For the chaffing in your pants

And if the pants you're wearing
Are a size or two too small
You start to moan as your Kohones say
"We're going to have a ball" (in falcetto)
When the pants begin to crawl

And the pants that go upside inside out
The pantalones de vaca
You will twist and shout
As they work their way up to Caracas

You can dance all night
The pants will never fail ya
Things may be too tight
There's no feeling in my genitalia
There's no feeling in my genitalia
Someone tell me am I looking pale yet

Just for Reare now (as he bumps hips with the dancers)

The pantalones de vaca baby
Le pantalone for Reare
At the Festival Just for Reare

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Copyright © 1999-2003.
Posted 8/10/99.